I want to deny A-Rod rumors too! By Alanis Morissette</h1> <article> <h1>I want to deny A-Rod rumors too! By Alanis Morissette</h1> <p>Alanis Morissette — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 11:20:49 -0400</p> As long as we're at it, can I please have a turn to deny A-Rod romantic liaisons too?I have been an American citizen since 2005 -- I have as much right not to get involved with Alex Rodriguez as Madonna, who does not even have the best-selling debut album worldwide in music history ever, like me.Madonna thinks just because she's some kind of Kabbalah-Queen that she's got a lock on A-Rod. Well, think again, girlie. I'm an ordained minister in the Universal Life Church. When it comes to weird personal religious affiliations, I've got you beat hands down.I'm sixteen years younger than Madonna, so it's almost like A-Rod and I are a junior and senior in high school, and Madonna's the principal. She may be worth more than I am, but I'm already writing my memoirs, while she's still futz... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/alanis-morissette/2008/07/08/i-want-deny-rod-rumors-too">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>Defense secretary fractures shoulder slipping on ice By Alanis Morissette</h1> <p>Alanis Morissette — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 18:40:43 -0500</p> It’s like when you had a full arsenal of rockets and ballistic missile defense systems at your disposal, but all you really needed was snow shoes. Associated Press ... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/alanis-morissette/2008/02/13/defense-secretary-fractures-shoulder-slipping-on-ice">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>It's like a Grammy Awards with no Canadian winners By Alanis Morissette</h1> <p>Alanis Morissette — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 18:50:18 -0500</p> It’s like when you’re a vegetarian, but your friends serve you meat. It’s like when there’s a big presidential race grabbing all the headlines, and that’s when you finally admit to waterboarding. It’s like when you’re Ron Paul and don’t win the Republican nomination (Or when you are a Ron Paul supporter, and you realize you blew your savings on a retired vagina doctor with crackshot ideas) Associated Press It’s like when you lightheartedly name a political event tsunami Tuesday, and then there is an uncharacteristic tornado that kills over 50 people. Wait is that last one for real? ... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/alanis-morissette/2008/02/12/its-like-a-grammy-awards-with-no-canadian-winners">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>It's like when it's Friday, but feels like a Thursday By Alanis Morissette</h1> <p>Alanis Morissette — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 14:00:20 -0500</p> It’s like when you eat all your food, but you’re still hungry. It’s like when you turn on a light, and a bulb goes out. It’s like when you have unprotected sex, but get herpes. It’s like when you build a desk from IKEA, but you’re missing a piece. It’s like when you are the Chairman of the Federal Reserve, but a retarded monkey knows more about the economy than you. Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke ... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/alanis-morissette/2008/01/18/its-like-when-its-friday-but-feels-like-a-thursday">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>Isn't it ironic? By Alanis Morissette</h1> <p>Alanis Morissette — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 18:15:20 -0500</p> It’s like when you go to vote, but you’re turned away because you’re black. It’s like when you wear antiperspirant, but it stops working after awhile. It’s like when you’re running for public office, but have your past misdeeds revealed to the world. It’s like when you turn on a light, and a bulb goes out. It’s like when you’re Ron Paul, and don’t win the Republican nomination. It’s like when an egomaniacal overexposed psychologist is employed to help an egomaniacal overexposed singer. Associated Press ... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/alanis-morissette/2008/01/07/isnt-it-ironic">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>Isn't it ironic? By Alanis Morissette</h1> <p>Alanis Morissette — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 16:04:20 -0500</p> Associated Press It’s like when you read a book, but then you finish. It’s like when you get a Nintendo Wii, but you hit your friend in the face when your Wiimote comes flying off. It’s like when you believe in Santa Claus, but find out he isn’t real. It’s like when you believe in Jesus, but find out he isn’t real. It’s like when you go to the zoo on Christmas, but get killed by a tiger. ... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/alanis-morissette/2007/12/28/isnt-it-ironic">Read more</a> </article> </main></body></html>