The quickest way to a señorita’s heart is by way of a state-induced sugar coma By Hugo Chavez</h1> <article> <h1>The quickest way to a señorita’s heart is by way of a state-induced sugar coma By Hugo Chavez</h1> <p>Hugo Chavez — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 19:38:11 -0400</p> It has been said that decisions are best made on a full stomach. If this is true, errors of judgment must be sweeping the globe. Don’t fret however, the big queso at the presidential palace has already been served his afternoon bowl of special K with red berries. That should allay fears about my recent seizure of private sugar plantations. Nationalism never tasted so good! Today milk factories are being communally run, but tomorrow the sky is the limit: Chickens raised cradle to grill with a back-breaking leftist work ethic, land reform to open up space for our more marginalized fruits and vegetables, and state seasoned pork that would drive Rachael Ray to the brink of insanity. Thirsty for a fresh-brewed cup of coffee? Try our house special, ‘Chavez Javas’. I... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/hugo-chavez/2008/04/21/quickest-way-se-orita-s-heart-through-state-induced-sugar-coma">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>The bolivar: now as flexible as a Peruvian hooker! By Hugo Chavez</h1> <p>Hugo Chavez — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 12:18:10 -0400</p> I’ve always touted flexibility as the cornerstone of any lasting relationship. What good is a girlfriend if she can’t perform the splits whilst suspended from the ceiling fan? (This was not a rhetorical question, send your responses to NaTiOnALizEThiSxxx@gmail.com)Soon enough our national currency, the bolivar, will be allowed to fluctuate, lending it the same suppleness as one of Putin’s bionic female gymnasts. Just imagine the currency adjustments we’ll be capable of: devaluations, appreciations…Well I guess there are only two. Regardless, it’s enough to get la pasión back into Venezuela’s impotent financial market. For way too long exchange controls have been the life support of our currency; I guess you could say that they put the IV in... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/hugo-chavez/2008/04/14/bolivar-now-flexible-peruvian-hooker">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>I wish to hold, caress you with illegal arms By Hugo Chavez</h1> <p>Hugo Chavez — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 16:27:18 -0400</p> And so continues our tumultuous courtship, Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia. I’ve read in the fascist papers that they are calling our love “shadowy” and “illegal”. If offering refuge and public support is “shadowy”, then I don’t wish to leave the shade. If supplying you with funding and munitions is “illegal”, then don’t bother explaining to me the law.What we have is beyond the comprehension of lawmakers, intellectuals, government officials, and model train enthusiasts. So what if the weapons are outdated? Take these broken arms and learn to fight. My sweet FARC! Love is a faculty of the libido, and as such, my love is bottomless.I understand your desire to take this slow, but perhaps in the future I c... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/hugo-chavez/2008/04/02/i-wish-hold-caress-you-illegal-arms">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>Love in the time of Capitalism By Hugo Chavez</h1> <p>Hugo Chavez — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 13:28:43 -0400</p> Words I would use to describe a Venezuelan spring: ‘warm’, ‘wet’, ‘sultry’. Words I would use to describe the British courts’ overturn of their previous ruling to unfreeze our oil company's assets: ‘About fucking time’. And ‘super’.With the change of seasons has come a splendid change of judicial rulings. For this reason el Chavez has become alive with the passions of this most bewitching season. You feel it too, no? Every beautiful flower, awaking from a deep winter’s nap, seems to burst with the seductive fragrance of state appropriation. In the dank darkness that is global capitalism our nation, not unlike the miracles of Spring blooming in my zen garden, has come alive.What source of energy has motiv... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/hugo-chavez/2008/03/25/love-time-capitalism">Read more</a> </article> </main></body></html>