California law is gay (just like you probably) By Pat Robertson</h1> <article> <h1>California law is gay (just like you probably) By Pat Robertson</h1> <p>Pat Robertson — Tue, 20 May 2008 10:10:11 -0400</p> My, my, my. You know, Ol' Pat knows just about everything, but one thing he didn't know is that a piece of paper could be gay. I mean, we all know now, thanks to my erudite pronouncements on the gay scourge, that in addition to humans being gay, other things, some animate some inanimate, can be gay as well. For instance, to name a few: ground squirrels, my son, exercise bikes, three-hole punchers, nike shoes (speculative still) and any unmarried woman. But now, a piece of paper?!Alas, it's true. California law recently gave gays the right to marry. I'm just going to go ahead and cite the darn scripture already, as no amount of logic can dispel this mistake as quickly. I cite the following biblical proscriptions on gay marriage in no particular order:... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/pat-robertson/2008/05/20/california-law-gay-just-you-probably">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>Pass go and continue directly to hell, you cheating bastard By Pat Robertson</h1> <p>Pat Robertson — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 09:37:23 -0400</p> As you probably are aware: Yes, God talks to me.Sometimes, He tells me grave prophecies. Sometimes He decides what to order at Wendy’s. And sometimes, well sometimes He just tells me that I’m an A+ guy. But, Gordon, my 49-year-old disobedient son, He’s telling me right now that you’re cheating your irreligious ass off at our game of monopoly.I should have known when you wouldn’t look me in the eyes after I returned from the bathroom. But thanks to ol God, I know that you have cheated.Really, did you think I wouldn’t notice those six hotels on Boardwalk? Oh, and I know about that extra “Get out of jail free” card in your pocket, the one you brought from your home. Wait, what’s that God? Gordon made that “Collect all the other playe... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/pat-robertson/2008/04/01/pass-go-and-continue-directly-hell-you-cheating-bastard">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>When you get to hell, there will be no tiny squares of american cheese -- only suffering By Pat Robertson</h1> <p>Pat Robertson — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 13:17:57 -0400</p> If you were to ask, “Hey Pat, what’s the greatest threat to our national security and sanctity?” I would undoubtedly respond, “Why, a giant raincloud full of gay arabs.” But if you were to ask me what the second greatest threat is, I would have to say, with grave certainty: Lunchables.We’ve all had a Lunchable in our day. We’ve all enjoyed the combination of some type of embalmed ham with desiccated crackers (I like to pretend my cracker is a Eucharist and that the ham is one of our Lord’s nipples, excised from His body to quell the spiritual and appetitive fires of the soul). But recently, I have reconsidered my stance on the product. And, following a strictly inferential series of logically tested suppositions, I am now unequivocally convin... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/pat-robertson/2008/03/28/when-you-get-hell-there-will-be-no-tiny-squares-american-cheese-only-suffer">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>And God smote the wayward with awkward animal deaths By Pat Robertson</h1> <p>Pat Robertson — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 16:17:35 -0400</p> Recently, a woman in Florida was killed by a stingray that jumped into her boat and collided with her. Much like that heathen crocodile hunter, she died a humorous death at the hands of a stingray. She and the crocodile hunter are not alone. Oh no. Hear my words America, those who do not acquiesce to god’s command and the Christian way, will die and they will die in a peculiar, animal-related collision. Ephesians 13: 21-24— “And the one who abides not by god’s command, he shall be crushed by an out of control, wakeboarding camel.” Others have gone before, in fulfillment of the scriptures. A bullet didn’t kill JFK, he was already dead on the day of his “assassination.” He actual death occurred when a bear that was asl... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/pat-robertson/2008/03/24/and-god-smote-wayward-awkward-animal-deaths">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>Everybody should get themselves a nice set of anal beads By Pat Robertson</h1> <p>Pat Robertson — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 18:00:59 -0500</p> caption: bead by bead i pray The other day I was in the break room, reading a Doonesbury comic. And I was just about to frown and condemn it when I heard a voice in the hallway. It was Gordon, apparently on the phone with someone. Well, I listened in and heard my son Gordon say something about “remembering to bring the anal beads.” Now, I’m familiar with just about every kind of jewelry, the scapula, the rosary, what have you, but I had never heard about anal beads. So I did a little research and come to find that these anal beads are exactly the type of trinket every good Christian needs. We must all be anal about our prayers and commitment to the lord. And what better way than with a long string of beads (getting exponentially bigger towards the end for emphasis ... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/pat-robertson/2008/02/01/everybody-should-get-themselves-a-nice-set-of-anal-beads">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>Church Newsletter Typos By Pat Robertson</h1> <p>Pat Robertson — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 18:05:18 -0500</p> Hi all. I’d like to clear a few things up real quick about the recent newsletter I distributed at mass last Sunday. After checking it over again, I noticed there are a few typos and I’ve come to find out that my trickster son Gordon is responsible. Under the weekly affirmation, it should say, “Rejoice, because God is good,” NOT “Rejoice, because Fruit Stripe Gum is good.” Again, God, not Fruit Stripe Gum. I noticed that instead of the lyrics to Glory Hallelujah, that little prankster Gordon slipped in the lyrics to “The Final Countdown.” Not a bad tune but, nonetheless. For those of you confused about the theme of the teen dance being, “Pimps and Hos” whatever that means, know that the real theme is, “Women Not Looking at Men in the Eyes unt... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/pat-robertson/2008/01/30/church-newsletter-typos">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>My 2008 Value Pyramid By Pat Robertson</h1> <p>Pat Robertson — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 20:15:29 -0500</p> 2008 Value Hierarchy You say you’re supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing. Nonsense. I don’t have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist. I can love the people who hold false opinions but I don’t have to be nice to them. – Pat Robertson, The 700 Club television program, January 14, 1991 Ah, you know—there’s not much that I dislike about me from seventeen years ago. That salt and pepper hair, the general swagger, the spot on logic. But I admit, time brings change, and here in 2008, I find myself needing to alter my beliefs just a bit to be consonant with contemporary views. So, accordingly, I’ve adopted a new value-chart, meant to bring myself up to date and allow the re... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/pat-robertson/2008/01/22/my-2008-value-pyramid">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>I'm Ok, they're-aLL-gay and if we don't act soon, all of our flesh will be nibbled to the bone By Pat Robertson</h1> <p>Pat Robertson — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 21:26:42 -0500</p> My, my, my. Recently, scientists have discovered a new type of flesh eating bacteria that is proliferating rapidly among gay men in San Francisco. I swear sometimes it just hurts to be right you know? I mean, we all already knew that most gays are secretly bionic wizards controlled by tiny aliens whose mission is to corrupt the world, but flesh eating bacteria? Either god is upset or these No-No Sexuals (as I like to call them) have reached a new pinnacle of desperation in trying to lose weight. But I kid, I kid. Did ya hear about the gay guy who was let into heaven? Yeah, god saw that he was hole-y!!! Oh man Pat, you are the devil. Seriously though, did you hear the one about the gay guy who bought some ass-less chaps but wound up just ass-less? Alright I’m done. Wait, wh... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/pat-robertson/2008/01/21/im-ok-theyre-all-gay-and-if-we-dont-act-soon-all-of-our-flesh-will-be-nibbled-to-the-bone">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>I'll have a "Mc Dead Gordon" with fries and a cola, Please By Pat Robertson</h1> <p>Pat Robertson — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 17:00:37 -0500</p> It has recently been announced by the FDA that cloned animals are safe to eat. This means that a duplicated animal bears no distinctions between itself and its clones. And what does that mean, you ask? It means it’s time to unveil my newest project to remedy the pervasive starvation and impoverishment that burdens Africa. The project is called, simply: “The Project Wherein I Clone My Son Gordon Multiple Times and Feed Him to the Hungry Kids. Help the starving kids with pieces of my son Gordon’s flesh. Like a certain, wink wink, deity above did. Are you with me? Alright. I figure we can have open ranges, with penned up Gordons, so the Gordons may graze at will before being fed to starving children. We can harvest the milk of the many Gordons and perhaps manufactur... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/pat-robertson/2008/01/18/ill-have-a-mc-dead-gordon-with-fries-and-a-cola-please">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>The Lord to Pat: You will finally get some potato salad at tonight's 700 Club afterparty By Pat Robertson</h1> <p>Pat Robertson — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 16:12:04 -0500</p> It’s been a long year so far: My son replaced me at CBN, my wife threw out my Crash Test Dummies shirt, God’s talking to me like we’re sisters or something and, most importantly, the locale of our weekly 700 Club aftershow party has moved. In years past, the little get together has been the scene of much merriment, like the cameraman’s birthday party when I wrapped up a box with a piece of paper inside that read: Greed is a sin; you’re going to hell. Photo by prettywar-stl via Flickr But also, the aftershow party has been the scene of much, much dark anguish. Which is why I’m moving the party to my house this year. I talked to God again and He said, “Pat, if you don’t get any of that potato salad at tonight’s 700 Club after party... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/pat-robertson/2008/01/11/the-lord-to-pat-you-will-finally-get-some-potato-salad-at-tonights-700-club-afterparty">Read more</a> </article> </main></body></html>