Yes Americans, God is trying to help you find a parking spot By Thom Yorke</h1> <article> <h1>Yes Americans, God is trying to help you find a parking spot By Thom Yorke</h1> <p>Thom Yorke — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 10:55:45 -0400</p> Well, we just wrapped up our USA tour, and I can't say how happy I am. The tour dirigible stinks of soybean oil, Phil's fungus-encrusted socks, and the incense I've been lighting to honor the Tibetans and Georgians who were massacred while the rest of the world watched 16-year-olds jump around on a balance beam. If Jonny tells me about one more Croatian composer of early-electronic music who was unjustly ignored by history, I'm going to strangle his pale neck.And the songs. Always the same bloody songs night after night. We really only have five albums to pick songs off of (our first two albums being, in my humble opinion, dreadful hunks of donkey shit, almost as bad as an Oasis album), and that means we end up playing, for instance, "Everything in its Right Place," twenty-seven ... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/thom-yorke/2008/08/29/im-so-bored-really-usa">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>Please, get away from the stage. Seriously. By Thom Yorke</h1> <p>Thom Yorke — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 10:43:15 -0400</p> I haven't been blogging in a bit, folks, because I've been a bit depressed. And I hate to say it, but it's because of our fans. We've been playing some big festivals lately, and lots of folks are coming to see us, which is fine, but they tend to get a bit close to the stage. They crowd around the stage and scream at us, and the young ladies say, "We love you Thom!"Excuse me, but I don't even know you, certainly not well enough to reciprocate any kind of feeling you have towards me. And unless I'm mistaken, you don't know me, except through the lyrics of my songs, which I daresay you don't understand if you think I would enjoy having a large mass of humanity near me.Seriously, we put amps on the stage so we'll be sufficiently loud enough for you to hear us quite wel... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/thom-yorke/2008/08/12/please-get-away-stage-seriously">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>Now that I'm a media mogul, a few new rules By Thom Yorke</h1> <p>Thom Yorke — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 12:25:37 -0400</p> The Guardian, following the longstanding magazine tradition of making senseless lists for the sheer joy of making senseless lists, recently released its much-anticipated-by-no-one "Media 100," which ranks influential UK media people. To my surprise, I am ranked number 63 on the list, which apparently means I have to take orders from number 62, Roly Keating, but I can tell Lucian Grainge (number 64), to shine my shoes and he has to do it.I am now, for lack of a better term, a "major player in the industry," and I can do what I like. I'm going to wear sunglasses all the time now.And that's not all. Here are other changes I'm going to implement:The following instruments are banned from popular music: the mandolin, the glockenspiel, the accordian, the harpsicord, the slide ... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/thom-yorke/2008/07/17/now-im-media-mogul-few-new-rules">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>42 more years of meetings and we’ll beat global warming, right? By Thom Yorke</h1> <p>Thom Yorke — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 10:34:26 -0400</p> By now, everyone knows the earth is in trouble, even people who live in caves and the President of the United States. And no matter who you are, the world’s transformation into an unlivable wasteland has to be at the top of your list of problems. For instance, if you’re a football fan, whether or not Liverpool FC signs a decent midfielder is less important than whether Liverpool itself is lying under several feet of water, which would utterly ruin any chance they have at the Premier League title.The leaders of the most powerful countries in the world just got together in Japan to discuss the environment. You might expect them to spend their days and nights working tirelessly to pass laws restricting gasoline consumption and make immediate, sweeping changes to the way the citize... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/thom-yorke/2008/07/09/42-years-more-meetings-and-we-ll-beat-global-warming-right">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>Petrol–the world’s heroin By Thom Yorke</h1> <p>Thom Yorke — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 09:11:43 -0400</p> History is full of bad ideas: The Pogroms, The New Kids on The Block reunion, my ordering of Hawaiian pizza last night. But the prize for worst idea ever unquestionably goes to the bloke who decided to drill for oil.In it’s natural state, oil is underground, which seems like a sensible place for a sticky, smelly, combustible, generally ill-disposed substance to stay. Getting it out of the earth is a huge undertaking, and one that involves huge machines tearing up the ground until the surrounding landscape looks like something that you would find on a Radiohead album cover:Oil is a bit like heroin in a lot of ways. To the non-addict, the use of oil or heroin seems completely insane. Start a war for some black goop? Stick this needle in my arm? No thank you. And, like heroin, oil never... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/thom-yorke/2008/07/03/petrol-world-s-heroin">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>If London is calling, I'll gladly pick up the phone By Thom Yorke</h1> <p>Thom Yorke — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 11:30:58 -0400</p> I don’t get sentimental very often—unless breaking down and locking myself in a closet out of fear for the future counts as “sentimental”—but nevertheless, I had to brush a few tears from my eyes when the tour dirigible floated into London. The truth is, I miss England. Not in a patriotic way, of course, or in a nostalgic-for-my-youth way (the few memories of my childhood I haven’t blocked out are decidedly unpleasant), but simply because England is the best piece of land on earth, excluding certain remote regions which humans haven’t been able to ruin. It’s certainly the best stop on our tour. Here’s why:-The weather is divine. After weeks of touring in warm climates where the sun is always shining and the skies are always clear, I fee... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/thom-yorke/2008/06/25/if-london-calling-ill-gladly-pick-phone">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>One happy step closer to robot masters By Thom Yorke</h1> <p>Thom Yorke — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 14:49:22 -0400</p> The Nude Remix competition has been over for about a month now, but I haven’t made a big deal about it. Quite frankly, there are better ways of spending my carbon than giving public recognition to some aspiring DJ living in his mother’s basement. But then I saw this video and, for the fourteenth time in my life, something cheered me up. Now, the music doesn’t sound especially pleasant, it’s true. Those first thirty seconds, when it’s nothing but an atonal whine, is as bad as the new Coldplay album. This video makes me happy because machines are finally making music without any help from their fleshy operators. Most people don’t know this, but in the days when I was a young, droopy-eyed lad prone to bouts of severe melancholy, I had no dreams of ... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/thom-yorke/2008/06/17/one-happy-step-closer-robot-masters">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>Gene Simmons can kiss ... well, you know where I’m going with this By Thom Yorke</h1> <p>Thom Yorke — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 14:59:50 -0400</p> Well, the tour dirigible is chugging its merry, soy-fueled way across Europe right now. It's good to be out of the US, so I no longer have to worry about catching whatever disease the Americans have that makes them act the way they do. But not everything is roses and carbon-neutral touring practices here. Today my Egyptian Tai-Chi was interrupted by Ed, who told me that Gene Simmons said our live act was “boring.”“Gene Simmons?” I said. “You mean, the exercise bloke with the shorts?”“No, that’s Richard Simmons,” Ed said. “Gene is that guy with the really long tongue and the makeup. He did that song about partying all night or some nonsense.”“My God, Americans like that sort of thing?” I said. “I’m so ... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/thom-yorke/2008/06/13/gene-simmons-can-kisswell-you-know-where-i-m-going">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>My idea for a TV show: Onion Dip By Thom Yorke</h1> <p>Thom Yorke — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 16:04:56 -0400</p> As you all know, I'm constantly spreading the word about the fact that the world is going to turn into a smoldering cinder unless we reduce our carbon emissions. Sometimes I feel like no one gets the message, like the other day when Ed threw a glass bottle into the garbage and I had to show him "An Inconvenient Truth" another five times. But I am alone no longer: today I turned on the television to discover--excuse the pun--that the Discovery channel launched a TV network devoted to all things Green.I assume that they've been busy creating their schedule, and that's why they haven't called asking me to do a show. I mean, they gave a show to Tommy Lee and Ludacris, and they probably think the Kyoto Protocol is an act something only certain Japanese hookers can perform. So I figure... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/thom-yorke/2008/06/06/my-idea-tv-show-onion-dip">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>Prince? More like the Prince of assholes By Thom Yorke</h1> <p>Thom Yorke — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 12:14:09 -0400</p> We were in our tour dirigible, traveling to yet another godforsaken, car-filled American city, (Minneapolis? Seattle? I don’t even know anymore), and passing the time surfing ARPANET—the name for the Internet before it was cool—when Colin yelled over to me, “Hey Thom, check this video out. I’ll send you the link.”“It’s not another one of your fucking Lol Catz montages, is it?”“No, it’s even better. It’s this guy, ‘The Prince,’ covering Creep at Coachella.”“‘The Prince?’” I said. I had never heard of the guy, unless he meant Bonnie Prince Billy, who would probably do an awesome version of Creep, by the way.“Uh, yeah, I think he calls himself ‘The Prince’ or his... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/thom-yorke/2008/06/03/prince-more-prince-assholes">Read more</a> </article> </main></body></html>