Another conspiracy theory: Pinkberry and Red Mango are the same company! By Vladimir Putin</h1> <article> <h1>Another conspiracy theory: Pinkberry and Red Mango are the same company! By Vladimir Putin</h1> <p>Vladimir Putin — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 13:22:32 -0400</p> The other day, you may have been shocked to hear my brilliant theory on how the United States had pursued relations with Georgia and encouraged them to invade South Ossetia in order to get us to invade them, adding fodder to the campaign of one presidential candidate (I’m not naming names, but his name rhymes with Lon McBlane). Today, I put out my second great hypothesis. Pinkberry and Red Mango are in fact the same company.You’re shocked, right? Good. You should be shocked. You shouldn’t let the wool of capitalism shroud your eyes. Not that I don’t like capitalism. Capitalism is awesome. Did I mention that Russia’s not the Soviet Union anymore? We’re totally capitalists. And not interested in reconquering all our former satellite countries. ... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/vladimir-putin/2008/08/29/another-conspiracy-theory-i-thought-you-should-know-about">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>I can't decide who I hate more: the United States or handicapped people By Vladimir Putin</h1> <p>Vladimir Putin — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 11:55:27 -0400</p> Two things make me Vladimir Putin, the undisputed King of Russia, angry these days.Number 1:The US instigated the whole Georgia crisis. They pushed Georgia into war in order to influence the US elections. I like making conspiracy theories and then not backing them up with any facts. For example: Nastia Lukin (US gymnastic all around gold medal winner) is a cyborg; Alien v. Predator was actually a documentary but sold to the public as a fictional film to avoid public fear; And John F. Kennedy actually committed suicide. Number 2: As mad as I got about the US interference in Russian matters, it paled in comparison to my anger at reading this. We should not be using robotic enhancements to help handicapped people become normal. This is a waste of cybernetic energy. R... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/vladimir-putin/2008/08/28/i-cant-decide-who-i-hate-more-united-states-or-handicapped-people">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>Georgia is my bitch! By Vladimir Putin</h1> <p>Vladimir Putin — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 13:07:31 -0400</p> A lot has been made about me calling the shots instead of the man who is actually Russia's president. Well the truth is Medvedev just found out about the war a short while ago. I didn't want to interrupt his finger painting session. He had traced his hand with paint and was trying to tell me it was some sort of turkey. I wasn't buying it. I ripped up his painting, informed him about the war, and then he started crying. He was scared, but I calmed him down by promising him a vanilla shake. He did manage to make a good speech to the media on the crisis in Georgia. I am glad he is improving on his speech making capabilities. I just wish there was some way to cover up his drooling problem.Now the US has demanded that we withdraw our troops from Georgia. Yes! We will do that immediately! ... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/vladimir-putin/2008/08/17/georgia-my-bitch">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>Whoops! I accidentally started a war By Vladimir Putin</h1> <p>Vladimir Putin — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 16:15:23 -0400</p> Here's how it happened: Medvedev and I were having some fun in the military room -- throwing each other into things -- when I accidentally smashed his face into the missile control panel. I continued smashing Dmitry's face about six times before I realized his nose kept hitting the war plane activation button. Long story short, we just bombed Georgia. Now Georgia is crying to the the world. "Help us! Help us! Russian aircrafts bombed us!" Their nose is running like a tiny baby's. They have pooped their diaper out of shock. They turn to suckle upon their mother's breast, instead they only find my razor sharp nipples. All the world leaders are too involved in watching the women's gymnastics to listen to your country's pathetic cries. (Shout out to my ... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/vladimir-putin/2008/08/08/whoops-accidentally-started-war">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>An open letter to Darren Aronofsky By Vladimir Putin</h1> <p>Vladimir Putin — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 11:37:33 -0400</p> So I hear Darren Aronofsky has been recruited to direct the next robocop sequel. I had wanted to film that movie myself actually. What cred does Aronofsky have? His previous films Pie, Requiem for a Dream and the Fountain don't have a single cybernetic organism in the entire films. He won't be able to handle the material with the respect it deserves. I have written an open letter to this filmmaker, reprinted below for my blog fans. (NOTE: In it I write that I'm a big fan of his previous films. This is a lie, but I know this is a great way to open someone up to listen to what you have to say.)Dear Aromofsky,Hi. It's me Vladimir Putin, ruler of Russia. How is everything going? Okay. I am a BIG fan of your previous films. I recently learned that you are going to direct the next Robocop. I am ... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/vladimir-putin/2008/07/31/i-love-america">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>Young, innocent women are meant to be sexed up By Vladimir Putin</h1> <p>Vladimir Putin — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 10:50:49 -0400</p> Russia is getting a bad reputation due to the stupid Russian human rights group charging that the country has a huge problem with prostitution. I have three potential responses to these media claims:1. I could state that Russian rights groups have been exaggerating for years. Like the time they accused me of running an illegal bum fighting entertainment league or an illegal children fighting league, and finally the egregious accusation of an illegal child bum fighting league.2. I could let you know that I have a theory that most women want to be involved in the sex trade industry. These women from the Russian human rights group are just jealous that they were rejected because they are not attractive enough for men to want to sex them. If these sex slave workers don't want to be part o... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/vladimir-putin/2008/07/24/young-innocen-women-come-beautiful-vacation-russia">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>I endorse the black guy for president By Vladimir Putin</h1> <p>Vladimir Putin — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 14:55:21 -0400</p> America, you are about to elect a new president for your country. I had previously decided not to influence the election since Russia is already surpassing America in the race for world superpower. But then I read this article. America has two potential candidates for their next president: John McCain and a black guy. The black guy wants Russia included in the G8. McCain thinks Russia should be left out as punishment for rolling back political freedom in our country.Well, Mr. McCain, I want to state on record that the people of Russia are a free people and do not fear their government. I only wish you were also a Russian citizen so you could experience first hand what it is like to be a free citizen of Russia.You’ve just lost the thousands of Russian-American citizens’ vot... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/vladimir-putin/2008/07/14/i-endorse-black-guy-president">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>Slavery is making a comeback By Vladimir Putin</h1> <p>Vladimir Putin — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 13:56:10 -0400</p> A millionaire woman in New York named Varsha Sabhnani is going to prison for keeping two Indonesian housekeepers as slaves. Wait a second, I thought America was the land of freedom. So why can’t a powerful American woman be free to enslave two women if that is her choice?What’s next America? Are you going to say a person can’t lock scientists in a room until they have invented a time travel device? Will you outlaw a man’s right to dabble with radiation experiments on animals to create vicious animal hybrids? Will the USA start demanding that a person disband his army of babies that he is training to become assassins? If so, then I guess I would be “breaking the law” in the U.S.The Indonesian servants claim that this New York woman beat them with brooms a... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/vladimir-putin/2008/06/26/where-your-freedom-now-america">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>Missile shields take all the excitement out of our relationship, America By Vladimir Putin</h1> <p>Vladimir Putin — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 10:52:41 -0400</p> I’ve just learned that the US missile shield will effectively be able to neutralize any Russian nuclear attack by the year 2012. We won’t be able to shoot one single nuclear bomb at the US. Come on guys! That’s not really fair.You'll be able to blow us up, but we won't be able to blow you up. The whole cool relationship between the US and Russia has been that we were both capable of blowing each other up at any given moment. Without that, we really don’t have that special bond.I called President Bush and told him that we needed to talk about this. He answered the phone, ignored the subject I had brought up and said, “You know Vlad, they might elect a blackie to be president after me.”“About the missile shield,” I said, trying t... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/vladimir-putin/2008/06/19/mr-bush-tear-down-missile-shield">Read more</a> </article> <article> <h1>Can anyone reverse transcript a unicorn's healing powers into hurting powers? By Vladimir Putin</h1> <p>Vladimir Putin — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 10:46:29 -0400</p> Researchers have recently discovered a deer with one single horn in the center of its head. A unicorn!Do you know what this means? If unicorns exist, this opens the door for so many more marvelous possibilities. I'm willing to bet the Sasquatch is alive and well. Maybe the Kraken is swimming in the ocean and just wants to make a friend. He thinks "I am the loneliest Kraken there is. So lonely. I just want one friend." The story has a happy ending when he finds a powerful Russian political leader who punches the him in the eardrum until he agrees to do Russia's bidding and swim undersea destroying all of America's submarines and battleships. If these other creatures do not actually exist, at least I'm sure I can use this unicorn. The Unicorn is a mythical creature with ... <a href="http://www.newsgroper.com/vladimir-putin/2008/06/12/putin-just-elected-king-fairytale-land">Read more</a> </article> </main></body></html>