Okay, the gloves are off now. (Unless you're a food service worker or a proctologist.)

Religious fundamentalist James Dobson, a cat's paw of a lap dog for John McCain, has said I have a "fruitcake interpretation of the Constitution." Me--a former professor of Constitutional Law at the University of Chicago!

Not that "University of Chicago" and "fruitcake" don't normally go together quite well--sort of like an academic peanut butter and jelly.

No, what frosts my ass is that Dobson couldn't get into one of my Con Law classes with a crow bar. The guy'd be lucky to be accepted at the Oral Roberts School of Law and Chiropractic. And what's more, he knows nothing about fruitcake. So here's my "fruitcake" interpretation of the U.S. Constitution, just for the record:

You get a fruitcake for Christmas, you put it in the pantry and forget about it. Sort of like the Bush administration and habeas corpus. That's Article I, Section 9, if you're keeping score at home.

When Christmas rolls around the following year, you "regift" the fruitcake and give it to someone else. Sort of like the way Congress just rolls over the national debt instead of paying it off.

And a fruitcake is filled with nuts. Sort of like the Bush administration, or Dobson's congregation.